For a brief period I was considering making a semi-lengthy post about how it is getting to me that even here I don’t feel that I can be. That passed.
Emphasis on the decision. These were conscious choices of how to spend my time and most particularly the extent to which I will let things affect me. It seems to me, that no amount of awareness or sound rationale will curb the intensity (and therein power) of my emotions. The fascination, for me, is in the how and why, this desire to understand the cause. Why are we compelled to do things we know are ‘bad’ for us? Things that could be avoided or done away with altogether. I’ve come to think that although the reward is clearly not in the end result, what is so compelling is the process leading up to a likely negative conclusion or boredom. This sounds strange, but there is almost a high that, at least I experience, when I give in to emotion.
Despite the recurring feeling that any pursuits of understanding the nature of cognition and behavior is relatively inconsequential, my curiosity is endless. If I can study anything in the future, I’d like to learn how much control we have over our emotions, and have a more intimate knowledge of consciousness (how it differs among species even).
It astounds me that even here, you still have such a profound effect on me. I think nearly every action within the realm of possibility has been taken to assure that our separation is complete. It isn’t though. Everything has not been done and we still have these little ties. Indirect ones, if nothing else. Emotions have no bound, but I am bound by them. I do not want to carry this hatred within me. What is there to do? Perhaps I merely do not have the will to free myself. Not enough to relinquish your hold. How can you disgust me so much? People are capable of the most honest, good deeds and in turn the greatest of evils. Not one person is created any other way. Knowing this, believing in this, makes it so hard for me to accept that you stand alone in my mind. What makes you so different?
I have no words.
I feel oddly threatened by people my age, younger, or close to my age who are far more accomplished than I am. Intimidated is a more appropriate word.