okay so here is something I have stumbled upon ….
Oh, so good to hear you are better. Keeping your spirits up can make a big difference in healing.
My husband is going to fix the truck himself I don’t know how much the part is going to cost, but that will take a priority over the other things we need, house painted, new carpet, new refrigerator, and new mattress. My son wants a new TV and his Birthday is in June. So something is always happening and there goes the money. The one I really want to happen is our house to get painted on the outside anyway. It looks so dumpy it is embarrasing. We have been here over 14 years and it has not been painted since we have bought the house, so I think you can imagine the state it is in. I honestly don’t know how much it costs to paint a house, I am expecting my husband to do it of course. $200.00???
At first I didn’t want to put any money into the house, because it is so small only 1550sq feet and there is four of us and a cat. I need more elbow room, hee hee. My family has no faith we can afford a bigger house so no effort is made on their part, so I depressingly put that dream aside. Actually if I didn’t have this horrible panic thing we might have moved to the country a few years back but I am too scared too get to far away from the city. sad huh!
My husband brought the old car to me at work today at noon so he took his. That threw me off, but I guess I can think of it as a success because I didn’t panic and made it home safely. I now feel more confident driving it. I guess I’d better since I am driving it to work tomorrow.
I am not so sure about classifying my phobias as less than yours, it may just sound that way. I work hard to describe things in a positive manner as I know garbage into the subconsious mind garbage out in the way of panic.
I think our panic affects us a little different. I think for me the last few months I have been alot better than I had in the Dec and Jan months. I only have a 13 minute ride to work and that is with a small amount of traffic, it really would be less time if there was no signals or traffic, so I am not going far at all.
I can’t stay alone for more than 10 minutes, and if I have just eaten and my pulse is heartier ( I am avoiding typing the things I am afraid of ) I can’t stay by myself at all. Spending the night alone is out of the question.My husband and daughter went to New York last year and I had to really bite the bullet to spend the night here with just my son. My son doesn’t drive yet so in my mind if something happened he wouldn’t be able to save me.
I have claustraphobia, so no crowds, which includes traffic, if I feel trapped I flip out, beleive me I have done some horrible things to get out of a traffic jam.
I am afraid to walk too far away from my car, so going on a long walk is out of the question.
I don’t eat a whole meal all at once because of my pulse rate. I have to graze like a cow
The worst thing of all is I have separation anxiety from my mother. If she goes out of town I am panicing through out the day. She is elderly so she really doesn’t leave town. If she doesn’t answer the phone I can go into panic. I can leave town with pretty much only my daughter and I am ok, but I don’t feel as comfortable going a small distance with my husband or son away from my mother. I probably can only drive about 35 miles away from her in this city with out me getting nervous. I really have to get a grip on this one, of course she is up there in years and the inevitable will be happening. I am certainly afraid at that point that I will go insane.
I am also afraid of riding in buses, cabs, and trains, airplanes, and even have reservations of being in a car as a passenger. If I ever have a reason to go someone with people at my work I avoid it at all costs.
The panic has a big strong hold on me and I am not going to let this continue. So I just try to think positive and talk motivationaly so I will do little by little to improve. Over the years it has been like a roller coaster I am better and then I am worse. So I really want to get serious and I know it is up to me to live throught the panic, but I really want someone to help me, which isn’t how I think it is supposed to work, no one can get rid of the panic for you, you have to do it for yourself. Let the panic come and do it’s thing and I will not pay it no attention and then I will be free from it as I am not afraid any more, then panic comes less and less and on to a regular life. I realize this process is extremely hard to get through but I have got to do it as I am afraid to die and I am afaid to live. I just hate thinking this thought but it is the truth.
Sorry to get so heavy here but I wanted to make sure you knew how bad off I am, it feels like hell, but I know the right things to do to survive and I am reading books, and practicing to get better.
If you are uncomfortable talking about stuff like this we can avoid this subject please let me know as I enjoy emailing you, I am sure I would enjoy talking to you on the phone to but alas we live to far apart, so I don’t want to start a topic that might not be such a good idea to email about. Since I can’t see your facial expressions I don’t want to push on about something that is better left unsaid.
I can stick with the silly goofy stuff if you prefer as it would do us both good to smile.
I would be most supportive if you did want to go over what is your worst fear etc, if you want to.
I didn’t want to end this email with out sending support to your poor bunny or rooting you on with your art projects, you should be so proud with where you get to show your work. That is very awesome. I hope your family is proud of you.
Thanks for letting me type your ear off as usual. I need a good night’s sleep!
Have a great Friday.
Love ya
Dawn
I feel really shitty/guilty/douchey. I think maybe I kind of take her for granted, and forget to realize that she is just as much a person as I am, as you all are, as everyone is … it’s too easy to forget that everyone has feelings despite how empty some people appear. My mom was just real upset today … and it has really bothered me. What can be said really? I just really wish I knew for a fact what is going on with her and if/how I can help. I hate feeling so helpless/not being able to help people. I dunno … I haven’t been spending as much time with my mother in general as time goes on… I don’t want her to feel abandoned or for us to grow apart, not that we are, but I dunno. I just feel bad about this whole incident/day.
This must all be very incoherent … I need to process shittt
